Wednesday, 3/5/03
I must vent, and hopefully by the time I am finished, Beethoven's 6th will have calmed me down. I have a lost case due on Saturday and don't want to torture myself through one more desk crit, let alone the final embarrassing presentation with guest architects. But what does it matter? I'm hopeless as an architect, hopeless as a designer in general. I'm going to disappoint my family when I graduate by not getting a job due to my lack of talent and work ethic. I've toyed with abstract dreams so much that I've lost grasp on the means to attain them--a stable career. I'm going to be a gypsy, working at J.C. Penney for ten years while jumping from degree to degree, always searching for the knowledge that will enable me to be a believable author--knowledge that will never present itself because while I live this way I have no time to write.
My professor jumps from a very abstract idea of the final project to "we need architectural drawings, dimensions, materials, connections," the latter two of which I know nothing about. Basically, I have to design 3 buildings in 2 days.
When I'm under stress everything bothers me. And there have been other things like going to a horrible torture museum, reading a violent book, and getting sick of all the people I'm with.
Okay, enough said. I'm going to work for at least at least 3 hours now. Beethoven works miracles. I have more cheery music, but when my nerves spaz out at every little thing, I have to go for the highest quality. If I sense any deficiency in technical complexity I get frustrated and annoyed.
You are an idiot. Of course you will get a job, even if it isn't ideal. And you will work very hard these last two years of college, harder than ever before. And you will give up reading and television for writing. I will! At least I hope I will. I'm just going to have to make sure I get some good, solid studios next year.
Today we went to San Gimignano. The frescoes in the Basilica were very graphic in the "Hell" section of the last judgment. That was all we saw as a group. Some of us wandered over to the torture museum. "Wow, that looks really cool!" As soon as I began reading the descriptions of the devices, I questioned whether I should be there, but I paid €5,50 to get in so I was going to go through. Morgan was very nervous but I was composed, as usual. I always distance myself from pain that isn't directly my own. It was a grotesque museum. Morgan and I made an effort to forget about it as soon as we left.
When we got home I read The Bourne Identity for an hour instead of working. At dinner we were all depressed. I apologized to Carmen & Valerie for being so irritable last night. It came up that we went to the torture museum (I had forgotten about it) and Valerie and Carmen wanted to know about it. Stupid idiot that I am, I gave them one example of torture but repeating the words put the image back in my mind, and more vividly. I felt horrible for subjecting them to that knowledge, and myself to the reminder. Needless to say, I have no desire whatsoever to return to a torture museum. After the very depressing dinner, I went downstairs to put The Bourne Identity back on the shelf. That violent book did not help the situation at all.
I worked pleasantly for a while until Kate came up and talked about Orlando Bloom and how there are supposed to be a lot of cute guys in Canterbury. I went to her room to watch Lord of the Rings and I got a useful bit of work done, too. We had some laughs imitating the dancing at Bilbo's party, but by the council of Elrond we were all ready for bed.
3/6/03
I didn't write something funny that happened yesterday. Marco is hilarious. On the bus after the field trip, he asked what the word in America is for "ringing" a horn. Jen told him that it was to "honk" a horn. He thought that was strange and asked how to spell it. Later, Jen asked him if he'd been to Oregon, and he said, "Oh yes, the red woods and the red necks!" She faked an insult, but he said he was just teasing. It's so funny that even Italians make jokes about red necks.
3/7/03
To sum up the last 24 hours, I was feeling pretty good about the work I did, but Peter completely burst my bubble. He just as well as told me that I didn't care, wasn't working, and was the farthest behind in the class. He was very nice about it, but scared some sense into me. As a result, I developed all 11 roles of film I had (€65) and researched obelisks on the net, coming up with a real metaphor for my key monument. Finally at midnight I went down to the computer lab, had a complaint session with Omar, and generally felt better about my work. I got 4 hours of sleep and feel great. I like my project now, and if I like it, who cares what anyone else thinks? I do want to redeem myself for my lack of production in the past, though.
3/8/03
I am in studio waiting for Peter to get here so we can start the review. I worked steadily all day yesterday and was ready after dinner to show 3 pages to Peter, but I was horribly frazzled due to the computer wasting a bunch of my time crashing. My crit went well. He wasn't exactly complimentary, but said I was on the right track with my key project. I was in a great mood after that.
My mood lessened into the night as I got tired. My drawings for my sharpener and plug were less than satisfactory, but my computer time was at 5am so I had to have drawings to scan. Went to bed at 2:30, got up at 5, worked for three more hours, got back to sleep by 8:30, and got up at 10. I am actually inspired by this project now, and determined to finish it. Peter gave us an extension to send him the final product by the end of spring break.
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